Let’s be real: UMass Boston Does Not Make a Fantastic First Impression

Said an insightful student. We already love him

We at the Flickering Beacon have mixed feelings towards UMass Boston’s student newspaper, Mass Media, AKA the Faculty Staff Union’s Pravda. However, every now and then a true gem is published, and we can’t help but relate to it.

The writer, Elijah Horwath, is an incoming student from out-of-state and a true twin soul. It’s not that every day we see an article that expresses how we feel about this place, and in a student newspaper no less!

Elijah, welcome to UMass Boston. Let us give you our very own tour of the campus. As some of us have been here since before you learned to read, and as we are a satirical site, and as such, not bound by any professional journalism standards, etiquette or basic politeness, we can answer some of your questions and clarify some of the points you raise in a candid manner.

You’re welcome.

You say:

When I first toured campus in April, I was assured that the ugly construction site in the center of campus, while annoying, would be gone by the time classes began in earnest. Now, that date has shifted to mid-November: just in time for the snow to kill the plants and make the pathways unwalkable. 

Oh, sweet summer child. We used to be like that too, but then the Beatles disbanded and life was never the same again. The campus has been a permanent construction site since the pandemic. Not much has changed, and if we were to bet, not much will change by the time you walk out of here with your diploma (which may or may not be in four years). And this is just the latest one in a long chain of construction scandals that seem to just attach themselves to our fine institution.

If 12 years of rural New Hampshire public schools taught me anything, it’s to never trust any promises made by administrators. Schools of this size are consistently plagued by issues with accountability and communication. In which ways will this new campus be bold and innovative, besides the fact that the new science building has plenty of sharp angles and glass? How will a monoculture courtyard and a parking lot in the middle of campus be sustainable? Will the new buildings be intuitive and accessible for disabled students to navigate? Will any of this improve campus life?  

We’re impressed. You are wise beyond your years and you just hit the nail on the head. Our administration seems to excel in one thing, and one thing only: Put buzzwords together. Sorry, strike that. They’re not even good at that, since everyone sees through their BS. And they are really, truly terrible writers which is astonishing (or is it?), considering that they come from Ed Schools. Bold and innovative, you say? We’re still scratching our heads at the new “rebranding” plan.

Between the 404 errors and recursive links, it’s impossible to navigate the UMass Boston website enough to learn much more information. Instead of having one central page about the Campus Plan, it’s split across several outdated pages, and that’s not to mention the disparities between the mobile and desktop views. This seems par for the course for UMass Boston. While my experience might be uniquely terrible, I’m inclined to believe that every freshman this year has dealt with the conflicting information spread across seven or eight equally terrible platforms: WISER, the housing portal, Property Boss, the third-party tuition website, My Health Beacon, the UMass Boston website, and the mobile app—which is functionally just a browser with a lighthouse across the header—to name just a few.  

Oh yeah, about that. It’s not just you, or any freshman for that matter. As mentioned above, we’ve probably been here longer than you’ve been reading (or alive), and we wholeheartedly agree. The website has never been great, but they just launched a new one that puts all previous versions to shame. We don’t blame them - they only had a whole summer to make it work! Or at least to make the links work…

Our IT department also has a unique talent to always pick the worst possible software out of a list of much better alternatives. Our prediction: You will get used to our email system, but your WISER experience will make you experience feelings you never even knew existed inside you, and it will certainly enrich your swearword vocabulary. Take comfort in the fact that you, unlike us, will only have to deal with it for a few short years.

Orientation was better, but barely. Presentations focused, first and foremost, on diversity. To UMass Boston’s credit, this is rightfully a big deal for many students; diversity makes a campus safer and less stressful, and often increases the quality of education. For many reasons, it was personally a key factor in my decision to commit to UMass Boston. However, after a certain point, it makes me distrustful. Surely if UMass Boston was all it’s cracked up to be, there would be much more to brag about, right?  

Nothing wrong with a little bit of diversity, but here at UMass Boston “a little bit” means every time, all of the time and never anything else. It’s just the tip of a very messy, very large iceberg that you will gradually discover if you follow us. No one talks about anything else because there just isn’t anything else they seem to care about. Regardless of your political affiliation and what you may think ours is, one thing is certain - we all agree that you come to UMass Boston to get education, and diversity is just a part of it, not all of it.

Those in charge assure the student body that they’re listening to student demands, but when has that ever been true? Student governments and student councils ostensibly exist to make our voices heard, but in practice, they’re without substance. Regardless of budget, all schools, even public ones, must make money somehow, and you don’t make money by listening to what students want. You make money by drawing in new students, and overcharging the ones you already have.

Ha! Do you really think they care about student success? They don’t care about the students or the faculty, and our (faculty) voice isn’t heard either.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty about UMass Boston that I’m excited about.

Rightfully so. There are many opportunities, the location is beautiful and the food is… mostly edible.

---

There’s so much more but it’s time for all of us to focus on the new semester. We hope you enjoyed our tour, Elijah. Not all is bad. Many programs are still decent, most professors truly care and if you choose wisely, you may even get some education. What kind? It’s up to you.

Yours truly,

The Flickering Beacon team, looking out for you and your fellow students.