Twelve Steps to Become an Accomplished White Savior
Twelve Steps to Become an Accomplished White Savior
University leaders - learn how to become white saviors with our exclusive, time proven 12 step process, courtesy of UMass Boston's Provost and Chancellor
[P]ower is tolerable only on condition that it masks a substantial part of itself. Its success is proportional to an ability to hide its own mechanisms.
― Michel Foucault, The History of Sexuality, Volume 1: An Introduction
Always dreamed of saving the world, especially BIPOC people, whether they asked you or not? Want to tell the everyone that you’re one of “the good ones”, but your desk is already full of pictures with orphans in Africa and you feel it’s time to take it to the next level? This 12-step plan is for you! Devised and carried out by our very own Provost and Chancellor, two world experts in white saviorism and performative social justice:
Declare your institution a “leading anti-racist and health promoting university”. Never explain exactly what it means - it’ll make it easier to shift your goalposts later.
Virtue signal, virtue signal, and virtue signal some more. Keep it mostly at the performative level: when you announce new hires and appointees, emphasize their skin color over anything else; add pronouns to your bio; declare a “black lives matter” day; whenever a racist incidence takes place, use it to express your sanctimonious rage; Never cease to talk about your dedication to equity and social justice.
Speak of anti-racism, only of anti-racism and of nothing but anti-racism. Remember - nothing else is important. Bombard the university community with frequent speeches, emails and newsletters full of jargon: Equity, restorative justice, whiteness, inclusive excellence, etc. Don’t worry if you don’t know what the hell any of it means - most of the university community members don’t know either. As long as you say it with enough confidence, people will be sure you know what you’re talking about and will be afraid to look stupid by asking for explanations.
If they still ask for explanations, send them to EDUCATE THEMSELVES and read jargon-filled books and articles. You probably never read any of those books, but they probably won’t read them either.
In the unlikely case they do read and get back to you with questions - ignore them.
Devise a task force to revise the university’s mission statement and strategic plan. Encourage everyone to nominate themselves to the task force: emphasize how much this process is community oriented, but carefully pre-select like-minded people to fulfill your vision. Make sure the result looks nothing like a traditional university’s mission statement and strategic plan. Traditional universities are full of WHITENESS! Show that you want to eliminate whiteness like the good white savior you are!
Engagement is for the weak. Shield yourself from criticism by completely ignoring it. Do not engage with your constituents. Do not answer emails, make campus updates on zoom and “take questions in advance”. Remember - the more engagement, the more criticism and push back you will face.
This is the most important step: If push-back comes, crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. If a white faculty member calls you out on your bullshit, catch them in a moment when they say anything tangentially critical of a black faculty member, and then publicly and pompously accuse them of racism without any concrete evidence or explanation. If they ask for evidence, hint that asking for evidence is a token of white supremacy. If they continue to push back, silence them by pretending to take part in a mediation process which forbids everyone to speak to the media, but continue to bash them through your friends in the press, while at the same time, in a true Kafkaesque manner, make sure their forced silence is interpreted as further evidence of their supposed racism. Kafka may have been a white man, but you can still learn from him.
Announce to your students and faculty of color that they are oppressed, and that only you can help them by eliminating standardized tests and proctored math placement exams. If white faculty/students protest, go back to step 6. If faculty/students of color protest, accuse them of racism by proxy and acting white. That’s what a true white savior does.
Keep your faculty busy by tasking them with useless and counter-productive requests. If they question you or push back, threaten them with pulling resources. Remember that brute intimidation is the white savior’s sharpest tool.
Speak of the need to make a deep, systemic change but make cosmetic changes only, making sure everything stays at the performative level. Deep systemic changes may take years: you don’t want them to be credited to your successor, right?
If you are accused of white saviorism, use your Latin-American birth place to secure a spot for your pale face on a POC list. Never mind you yourself once said that Latino is not a race and that Latinos come in all races.
Prepare for the morning after: make sure that if the left loses, you have a warm spot on the right to which to land. Remember to never upset the Force (what Vietnam war?).
Above all, never do anything that can slow the growth of your $500K salary.
Done? Congratulations! From now on, you are an accomplished white savior. Let us end with the 12-step serenity prayer:
Michel Foucault the Knowledge-Power Lord, Grant me the serenity to lie about the things I cannot change, The power to pretend to be able enforce the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.