Welcome, Class of 2026! Part 1: The alternative Universe

Practical advice for the incoming freshmen (or women!)

While we say – welcome, class of ‘26, it is nothing but a figure of speech. A quarter of you will disappear in a year. One fifth of you will not graduate at all. Only half of you will graduate in six years. But this is a judgment free zone! Nobody blames you if you stick around until at least 2028. After all, who wants to leave UMass Boston after only four years? Just look at our new rebranding campaign. See how happy everyone is!

Want to stay longer? That’s what we’re here for. One of the tried and true ways to stay here for many, many years is to cheat on the ALEKS test. Technically it’s not even cheating, because the exams are not proctored. If our Supreme Leaders didn’t want you to cheat they’d have you come over and take a proctored exam, right? Instead, the test can be done from the comfort of your home, with the comfort of your genius big brother (or sister!) taking the test for you and no one will ever know, at least not until you place into Calculus I even though you can’t even add fractions, and start failing one course after another.

Eons ago, in the pre-Social-Engineering, archaic and racist, sexist era of “Merit”, ALEKS was proctored. But then our Supreme Leaders, in their infinite wisdom, told us that placement tests are too white and here, at UMass Boston we’re all about equity and social justice. Therefore, by cheating, you help dismantling the racist system of white supremacy and patriarchy, which is a good thing!

So sit back, relax, cheat on the ALEKS and you have the next (at least!) six years cut out for you. For the times!