Hügel the Provost, King of the Pond
Dr. Seuss' was prescient.
On the far-away peninsula of Columbia point, Hügel the Provost was king of the pond. Well, UMass Boston’s not a pond, but it sure looked like it. It was not very clean, only junk food to eat. The professors didn’t always have everything they need. But overall they were happy… or sort of happy, indeed.
They were... until Provost Hügel, the king of them all, Decided their DEI efforts were too small. "I'm the absolute ruler", said Hügel, "of all equity. But I don't rule enough. That's the trouble with me. In our old mission statement, diversity was strong. But there was not enough DEI. No, we got it all wrong. This DEI we have is too little, too low down. It ought to be bigger!" he said with a frown. "If I could force more DEI, how much greater I'd be! What a king! I'd be ruler of all EQUITY!"
So Hügel, the Provost King, lifted his hand And Hügel, the Provost King, gave a command. He appointed nine Vice-Provosts, so he won’t be alone And, with these Vice-Provosts, he built him a throne. He made each Vice-Provost stand on another one's back And he piled them all up in a nine-VP stack. And then Hügel climbed up. He sat down on the pile. What a wonderful view! He could micromanage in style!
"All mine!" Hügel cried. "Oh, the things I now rule! I'm the king of all departments! And I'm the king of all schools! I'm the king of Social Justice! And, what's more, beyond that I'm the king of every professor, their lab and their cat! I'm Hügel the Provost! Oh, marvelous me! I'm the absolute ruler of all EQUITY!"
And all through the morning, he sat up there high Saying over and over, "A great Provost am I!" Until 'long about noon. Then he heard a faint sigh. "What's that?" snapped King Hügel. And he looked down the stack. And he saw, near the bottom, a professor named Mack. Just a lowly professor. As skinny as a noodle. Looked up and he said, "Beg your pardon, King Hügel. I have research and teaching and service to do. I don’t like DEI, it’s against science too."
"SILENCE!" the King of Provosts barked back. "I'm the king, and you're a lowly professor named Mack." "You stay in your place while I sit here and rule. I'm the king of of all departments! And I'm the king of all schools! King of all faculty, staff and their cat! But that isn't all. I'll do better than that! My throne shall be higher!" his squeaky voice thundered, "So pile up more Vice Provosts! I want 'bout two hundred!"
"Vice Provosts! More Vice Provosts!" he bellowed and brayed. And the professors 'way down in their labs were afraid. They trembled. They shook. But they were silent. They obeyed. From all over campus, came VP’s by the dozens. Whole teams of Vice Provosts, DEI experts and their cousins.
And all of them micromanaged the hell out of poor Mack. One after another, they climbed up the stack. Then Hügel the Provost was perched up so high, He could order more Inclusive Excellence! More DEI! "Hooray!" shouted Hügel. "I can do as I please! I'm the king of the professors that I torture and squeeze! King of Anti-racism! King of Inclusion! King of Restorative Justice! Let there be no confusion! I'm Hügel the Provost! Oh, marvelous me! For I’m the micromanager of all EQUITY!"
Then again, from below, near the great VP stack, Came a groan from that lowly professor named Mack. "Your Provostness, please... I don't like to complain, But down here below, we are feeling great pain. I know, you’re sure it’s all about DEI and anti-racism, But down here at the bottom you’re creating a schism. We professors can't stand it. Our freedoms will crack! It’s a public university, we don’t want it!" groaned Mack.
"You hush up your mouth! Do you want to be fired? "You don’t like DEI? Then it’s time you retired! I’m the absolute ruler! What I order shall be. There's nothing, no, NOTHING, more important than EQUITY!"
But, while he was shouting, he saw as he gazed The Board of Trustees and their eyebrows were raised. Up over his head he looked at them, amazed. "What's THAT?" snorted Hügel. "Say, what IS that thing That dares to be higher than Hügel the King? I shall not allow it! I'll go higher still! I'll enforce more fake social justice! I can and I will! I'll call up more Vice Provosts. I'll stack 'em to heaven! I need 'bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!"
But, as Hügel, the Provost, lifted his hand And started to order and give the command, That plain little professor below near the stack, That plain lowly professor whose name was just Mack, Decided he'd taken enough. And he had. And that plain lowly lad got a bit mad. And that lowly Prof Mack did a plain little thing. He looked up and said “NO!” And his “NO!” shook the throne of the Provost King!
And Hügel the Provost, who did as he pleased, The King of the professors he tortured and squeezed, King of inclusive excellence, micromanager of every janitor, Well, that was the end of his time as dictator! Provost Hügel and all of his mighty DEI squad, Fell off the high throne and fell Plunk! in the quad! (Just kidding, there is no quad. It’s all still a huge construction site.)
And today the great Hügel, petty dictator of yore, Is simply the Provost. No less and no more. And the professors, of course... all the professors are free As professors and, maybe, all creatures should be.