We are the Borg
Diversity can only be achieved through a collective hive-mind
Provost Borg was seething. Out of the blue, all of a sudden, the open letter by the infidels from the College of Science and Math who dared to protest the most anti-racist mission statement ever, was all over the far right internet yet again. Even Jordan Peterson retweeted it, for heaven’s sake.
“I don’t get it!” cried Borg in frustration. “For three whole years I have been bombarding everyone with messages that were all about equity, anti-racism, social justice and inclusive excellence. As a matter of fact, that’s all I’ve been talking about for nearly three years! I talk about our collective desire to dismantle whiteness, about our shared passion to INCLUSIVE EXCELLENCE! As part of my commitment to inclusivity, I ignore every feedback and never answer email to make everyone understand that the only acceptable feedback is ‘YES’. I also keep saying that WE are committed to EQUITY, and I don’t mean the royal we! How dare those faculty bigots who wrote the letter not get the message that they should all think like me?! … They need to be fired! FIRE THEM! FIRE THEM ALL!” He yelled at Dianna M. Glampers, Associate Vice Provost for equitable minds.
“We can’t fire them, your Provostness, we don’t even know who they are“, stuttered Glampers.
“Then FIRE all the signatories! Now!!”, yelled Provost Borg.
“We can’t do that either, there are six dozens of them and most of them have tenure.” Said Glampers.
“Tenure-schmenure”, muttered Provost Borg, “What do we do? Find a solution! What am I paying you for?!”
“I think it’s time for Plan B, Honorable Vice Supreme Leader. You know what we’re talking about, right?”, said Glampers with gleaming eyes…
And so, it is announced that starting next month all faculty members, staff and students will have a chip installed in their brains. The chip will be active at all times. It will be tuned to a special transmitter controlled by Provost Borg. Whenever it detects an inequitable thought or an implicit bias, the transmitter would send out a high frequency signal to block the high cognitive and speech centers, thus keeping the infidels from taking unfair advantage of their brains or having any independent thought whatsoever. The mental resistance from the scientists may become so strong that most of their brains may have to be replaced by chips.
The implementation was supposed to take place earlier this semester but was delayed because initial experiments on a selected group of 15 Associate Vice Provosts showed no change in their brain activity following the chip installation. Extensive testing was required to figure out whether it was a result of a chip malfunction. We are happy to conclude that the chips were perfectly functional all along.
Finally, TRUE diversity, equity and inclusion will be achieved through the collective hive-mind.
We are the Borg. Your culture will adapt to service us. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.