The Whiteness Test

Fill our questionnaire to find out how OPPRESSED you are

This is a multiple choice test. Sum the number of points near each answer:

1. You are in college. Subtract 2 points to start.

2. Do you speak a foreign language?

1. Yes, English (1)

2. No, why would I? (2)

3. I refuse to answer this anglo-centric, colonialist-minded question (3).

3. Do you have pink hair?

1. I have no hair (1)

2. No, I prefer natural (2)

3. Half pink, half blue (3)

4. Do you use any pronouns other than he or she?

1. WTF are you talking about? (1)

2. I use he, she or they (2)

3. I identify as a cat emoji on even days and as xe/xer on odd days (3).

5. How much did you get in Calculus 1?

1. B or better (1)

2. C or D (2)

3. I didn’t even make it past Precalc (3).

6. Did you ever feel triggered or harmed by something a professor said in class?

1. No (1)

2. A couple of times (2)

3. Just about every time the professor doesn’t mention social justice and equity. I am still crying on TikTok whenever I think about it (3).

7. Did you ever write a letter of protest to your administration?

1. No. I am too busy studying (1).

2. No, but I signed a couple (2).

3. All the time! I just wrote one that demanded that the administration stops defending freedom of speech at the expense of the safety, security, and well-being of people of color reflects the power of WHITENESS in determining what is and is not considered acceptable speech¹. Therefore, they are required to fire all the tone-deaf and racist professors who do not support social justice and equity! (3).

8. Do you think you’re getting too much homework?

1. No. It’s important to practice in order to succeed (1)

2. Yes (2)

3. The concept of homework establishes hierarchy and promotes white-supremacist and patriarchal values such as hard work, the written word, correct answer and timeliness (3).

9. Are you ready to sum your WHITENESS points?

1. No, the whole idea of privilege tests is stupid (1)

2. Yes! Get on with it! (2)

3. Summation is a hallmark of white patriarchy (3)

10. Bonus question: What is a woman?

1. Adult human female (-2)

2. Dunno, I am not a biologist (2)

3. Get out of here you TERFy bigot! This test is over and you are CANCELLED! (6)

What was your score?

22-28: Kudos! You are oppressed. The oppressiest of all oppressed! No one is more oppressed than you! Anyone who even mentions the fact that you are an affluent white kid who lives with mom and dad should immediately get cancelled and banished.

14-21: You are mild-to-moderately privileged but you are doing THE WORK. Remember, though, that it is a life-long work and no work or effort will ever make you good or pure enough, and that one mistake is enough to move you to the WHITENESS category.

4-13: You are deeply afflicted with the original sin of WHITENESS! You have so much WHITENESS! Remember that whiteness has nothing to do with the color of your skin or where your family came from, only with your faulty part in SYSTEMS OF OPPRESSION. Purge yourself of it! Go do THE WORK to EDUCATE YOURSELF and be a better ally. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGES more often and practice humility. You are thereby cancelled until you apologize profusely to the rest of us for ruining the academic system. But remember - absolution is not guaranteed and intent doesn’t matter.

1. A direct quote from here: https://ssmu.ca/blog/2020/11/open-letter-demanding-the-overhaul-of-mcgills-statement-of-academic-freedom/