UMass Boston Searches for a New Vice Chancellor for S.H.I.T

DEI is out of fashion. We need a new acronym

UMass Boston’s Chancellor of color, Marcelo Suárez-Orozco, looked at the 250 Vice- and Assistant Vice-Chancellors/Provosts crammed in his conference room. He did not look happy. “Don’t you notice that something is missing?”, roared his thunderous voice. No one dared to squeak. “We have not had an assistant vice chancellor for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion since the summer!”. “Oh, really? I didn’t notice”, mumbled the Assistant Vice Provost for Alternative Facts. “¡Calla, boludo¡” yelled the Chancellor. “Why is the state paying you that much when you don’t notice these things?! We are supposed to be the LEADING anti-racist university. ¡Carajo!

“Anyway, I gathered you here to announce a new initiative. As you know, things have not been good on the DEI front lately. DEI has fallen from grace and our conduct towards Jews is being scrutinized. It is time to make a grand gesture and not only hire a new DEI officer, but also rebrand the name, because we haven’t rebranded in a while. We also need to upgrade the position from Assistant Vice chancellor to Vice Chancellor. Luckily, we have some money left after slashing the printing budget and cutting the shuttle hours”.

“But wait, wasn’t the money earmarked towards upgrading classroom technology and hiring grant writing support staff?” asked the Assistant Vice Chancellor for wall painting.

“¡Que cabrón¡” Shouted the Chancellor, his face distorted with anger. “You are lucky that you’re a noob and I’m in a good mood today or I would fire your culo. You need to learn what’s REALLY important if you want to be a part of my cabinet. I gathered you here today because I need ideas for a new name for the upgraded position. Originally, we thought of “Vice Chancellor for Inclusive Excellence and Belonging” but it’s not catchy enough. What shall we call it?”

“I know! I know!” Shouted the Associate to the Assistant Vice Chancellor for pins and needles. “How about Fostering Unconditional Belonging And Relations?”

“FUBAR… Interesting. Any other ideas?” Asked the Chancellor.

“How about Diversity, Inclusion, Collaboration and Kindness?” Asked the Associate Vice Provost for toxic masculinity.

“DICK?! Absolutely not, you sexist pig!” Yelled the Assistant Vice Chancellor twice removed for smashing the patriarchy, her eyes shooting daggers.

“What do you think, Joe?” The Chancellor asked the illustrious Provost.

“This is clearly a pivotal moment in our history. Moving into the future with renewed dedication to equity, a commitment to anti-racism and health promotion, the development of a stunning new campus quad that will enhance our already beautiful campus and our mission driven 10 year strategic plan… opponents of the inherent whiteness” mumbled the Provost.

“¡Mierda! Did they forget to update his software again?! Why do I have to put up with it?!” Said the Chancellor in desperation…

“How about ‘Vice Chancellor for Solidarity, Humanity, Inclusion and Tolerance?’” asked the janitor who happened to walk by.

“¡Sí! That’s it! S.H.I.T!” Said the Chancellor and immediately appointed the janitor for the role of Assistant Vice Chancellor for acronyms.

And so it goes - UMass Boston is hiring a new Vice Chancellor for Solidarity, Humanity, Inclusion and Tolerance. As per a pan-campus e-mail of 3/14/2024, the roll includes…

actively supporting and advancing the university’s values of diversity and inclusion, engagement, transformation, and cultural development. The vice chancellor acts as an advocate, resource broker, educator, and dialogue facilitator to ensure that all members of the campus community are included, respected, and valued in all spaces.

Or at least almost all students. In almost all spaces.