The Auto-Grovellator
An all-purpose letter of apology, to be read while you self-flagellate
Let’s face it. At some point in our professional/personal life we will all be found guilty of some horrible transgression or another, for which the woke mob will demand our head on a platter. A new invention by the Flickering Beacon’s best and brightest is here to help! The multi-purpose, modular AI generated Grovellator will save you a lot of work. All you have to do is to tweak the narrative to the particular unforgivable crime you have committed and your uber-privileged identity markers (parts to be modified are in bold).
Roll yourself in tar and feathers, bend the knee and draw the whip:
Dear Colleagues,
On (date here) I have committed the unforgivable crime of suggesting that standardized tests are in some way a valid method to measure college preparation*. I have since learned that my words have generated deep anger and dismay among many members of our community. I take full responsibility that it did not convey what I had intended and for the IRREVERSIBLE HARM and PHYSICAL AND MENTAL TRAUMA that my words have caused.
As an uber-privileged cis-hetero-able-bodied-white-male I now realize that I had absolutely no right to talk about standardized tests or anything that does not directly concern uber-privileged cis-hetero-able-bodied-white-males.
I sincerely regret the way I have alienated some of my dear colleagues and friends. In my clumsy efforts to draw attention to the “merits” of standardized tests, I left the impression that social-emotional learning and the ability to sort toys by color somehow matter less than the SAT exam in measuring college preparation and that “merit” is actually a thing.
I have spent the last few days fasting, praying to St. Kendi, REFLECTING and DOING THE WORK and I have learned that this absolutely is not true. It wasn’t my intention to leave that impression, but my ignorance completely missed the mark. I am aware that THE WORK is a life-long process and I accepted the order kind invitation of the Associate Vice Provost for Colorful Toys to engage in a series of struggle sessions deep and meaningful conversations. In addition, I will say “Hail Kendi” three times a day, give a tithe to the Church of Foucault, and read Judith Butler and Robin DiAngelo without the help of any mind altering substances.
I know that nothing will ever be enough to atone for my grave sin, I am not entitled to your forgiveness and I will submissively accept any additional punishment the Church will inflict on me.
(your name here)
* Other unforgivable sins include, but are not limited to, suggesting that:
There are two biological sexes.
The scientific method is the most valid way to produce scientific knowledge.
Disparate impacts may not be solely due to contemporary racism.
Affirmative action may cause more harm than good.
The US was founded in 1776 and is no more racist than most other countries.
“Freedom of speech” is valid, and it does not stop when people’s feelings are hurt.
Police, prisons and academia should not be abolished.
Different people may have different innate talents.
Dogs are nicer than cats(strike that. Even a letter won’t help you here).
If we have omitted any serious transgression we are deeply sorry for the harm and trauma we caused. We now have a letter draft to work with!
Not fake: Of course nothing is going to help because it’s a power move. Like sharks who smell blood, any apology will only be an invitation for more attacks and you’ll probably lose your job and/or your reputation anyway. Therefore - do not apologize and walk with your head held up high. You may even survive it.
🤣😖🤪🤡🌎