All Hail UMass Boston's New(ish) Emperor!
All Hail UMass Boston's New(ish) Emperor!
The coronation of UMass Boston's Supreme Leader will take place on April 5
It is our pleasure and privilege to announce that our very own Chancellor of color, Marcelo Suárez-Orozco, AKA The Great Slayer of Science, The Stomper of Shared Governance, Him who Reason Fears, The Genius of All Things Anti-Racist-and-Health-Promoting and The One Who Ended Merit, will be coronated as the Emperor of the Sun, Father of Nations, Heavenly Sovereign, and the one and only Supreme Leader and Absolute Ruler of UMass Boston. The ceremony will take place on Friday, April 5 in the year of our Lord 2024. The event will reset the year count and this year will henceforth be known as the year of our Emperor 1.
Oh Wait… did we say “new”? We mean new-ish, as we’ve already had the immense privilege of serving His Highness of Color since summer 2020. But this delay is on purpose, as a symbolic reminder that our Supreme Leaders can take their time if they so choose and we are to never question their infinite wisdom.
The ceremony is set to make the coronation of King Charles III look like a middle-school play. No expenses were spared. The stylish, blue and gold invitations were snail-mailed to all of the Emperor’s subjects homes instead of our office mailboxes to show that there is always enough money for the things that truly matter1.
Oh wait… we are not THAT rich. Some expenses had to be spared: commoners were asked to volunteer their time to help with coronation related tasks, such as carrying the Emperor’s robes, carrying the royal litter and serving as the royal food tasters in case anyone tried anything funny. Serving our Master is worth more than additional compensation. Also, Capitalism is evil.
During the ceremony, the Emperor’s numerous achievements will be celebrated:
The ribbon cutting of the new and immensely underwhelming campus quad, described by our faithful readers as the lookalike of “A Turkish or Soviet prison yard”, “The place Winston Smith sat at the end of 1984,” and “A truck stop along the I-80, all that’s missing is the port-a-potties” to name a few (comment: The port-a-potties are not missing. They were not captured in the photo). Let us hope the quad is ready by the ceremony, because we need a place to put the Emperor’s new golden statue. Subjects will be required to bow three times and kiss the statue’s feet whenever they walk by. There will be surveillance cameras to make sure of that.
The coronation itself, followed by a lunch reception where
near-expired Caesar salad and stale chocolate chip cookies from the cafeteriathe most delicious food will be served (no food for you, Muslim friends. It’s still Ramadan!) and the Chancellor’s many achievements will be highlighted. These include, but are by no means limited to:Becoming the first white man to win a spot on a list of influential people of color. Not once, twice!
Turning Boston’s only public research university from a semi-decent tier 2 institution to a bona-fide marxist training camp.
Reducing our website (and reputation) to rubble.
Creating a logo that gives you the middle finger, for $1.5M dollars! As we said before - we have money for the things that truly matter.
Making UMass Boston the only university in the universe without a faculty dining club.
A research symposium that will highlight the only areas of research that are allowed on our (public) university by our Emperor per his infinitely wise strategic plan -
Climate Change: From Climate Crises to Climate Resilience;
Education for the Future: University Assisted Community Schools
Health & Wellness: Confronting Inequity in Healthcare
All other areas of research will be strictly forbidden from now on. Hear that, College of Science and Mathematics?
Everyone on campus - students, staff, faculty, alumni, their families, their elderly grandparents, their pets, and pets’ fleas are required to drop everything they are doing on Friday - including research, classes and handling medical emergencies, and report to the ceremony… Or else!
We will report from the ceremony. To be continued…
We said “TRULY MATTER, what f**ing lab space are you scientists babbling about?”