The UMass Boston Equi-Tea Party
If it's good for Mayor Wu, it's good for me and you.
Walking in the footsteps of Boston’s mayor Michelle Wu’s “electeds of color only” party, UMass Boston’s Supreme Leader, Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco, decided to host a holiday party for “tenureds of color” faculty only. Unlike Mayor Wu, though, he made absolutely sure that the invites would be sent only to the invitees and not, God forbid, to all faculty. That’s the last thing he needs, another scandal.
On the day of, our Chancellor walked cheerfully into the alumni lounge where he was promptly stopped by security.
“Hey, dude, sorry, this party is for tenureds of color only, Chancellor’s orders!” said the security guard at the entrance.
“Don’t dude me, boludo! I’m the Chancellor, and I’m Latine!”
“Latin… eh? Oh, yeah, me too! I’m half Italian. We’re the original Latins but we don’t count. Sucks, right?” said the officer.
“¡Carajo! Of course you don’t count! Your ancestors only colonized Europe and the Middle East but my ancestors colonized South America, so I win the oppression Olympics. I was even selected as one of the most influential men of color in Boston. Now let me in!”
“Sorry, I don’t see no color here, you’re whiter than me. Now go before I call more security,” said the officer and muttered something into his mic.
“Ándate a la mierda…” muttered the Chancellor as he walked away, his pale face red with anger.
Those of us who are of (non-pinkish) color report that the party was great. The participants told of(f) color jokes, enjoyed reasonably edible food and did not have to suffer through hours of speeches.
What the municipal and university praetorian guards need for these occasions is a color chart such as the ones cosmetic companies use for the foundation makeup they sell. There are many available online.