A Dean's Farewell
A Dean's Farewell
The College of Science and Math Dean bids farewell to our Supreme Leaders
A guest post by Norman. This is meant to be satire.
It was recently announced that Robin Côté, the Dean of the College of Science and Mathematics (CSM) who, as a reminder, was the only one not hand-picked by our supreme Leaders, has decided to step down. The following e-mail was found in the trash of the illustrious Provost Joseph B. Berger’s e-mail account.
Dear John Joe:
It is with mixed emotions, as you might say, that I inform you of my intent to resign as Dean of the College of Science and Mathematics and go back to the faculty. The past five years have been quite the ride, and the past three under your fearless leadership have proven monumental for our University. Working together, we’ve helped catapult CSM to new heights, and I know your confidence in our College will only take it higher.
Throughout our time working together, I particularly appreciate your constant focus on holistic student success. Right off the bat, you demonstrated the bravery to stand up to the Massachusetts Department of Higher Education’s unjust recommendations and indefinitely suspend our Mathematics department’s plans to support our students most in need, cancelling co-requisite support and empowering them to take unproctored placement tests at home until they got the score they needed. In the spirit of inclusion, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, tutors, babysitters, maids, dogs, cats, fish, and gerbils have discovered access to our flawless ALEKS system. What better first experience at our prestigious University for students to have than of knowing they can cheat on a test with impunity? After all, by the time it catches up with them, they’ll have committed thousands of dollars to courses they’ll receive no credit for. Now that’s success!
I would be remiss, however, if I failed to touch on the unwavering support you’ve shown for CSM’s mission. After all, as a true academic, you understand the value of scientific research and what it could mean for us to be promoted to R1 status and be among some of the greats (not to mention, maybe start to get out of UMass Amherst’s shadow – but I digress). Your inspiring words at the event announcing the launch of the Paul English AI Institute had me ready to grab a cocktail, jump on a kayak, and ride the waves into the sunset. But alas, you’ve now provided me more time to focus on scholarly endeavors such as EQUIP-UMB, where I will be on the cutting edge of scientific research – something with which, again, I am sure you have found yourself familiar on many an occasion.
Whomever has the privilege of becoming my successor will find being Dean to be an honor, not just because they get to lead CSM but because they get to work with the individual at the helm of our anti-racist, health-promoting, and social justice-oriented institution.
We spend so much time focusing on diversity, inclusion, and equity that I will DIE, if you will, to think of my life as a tenured faculty member without it constantly on my mind. You will certainly assimilate some other noteworthy academic to lead CSM – may your search not be futile.
Thank you for being the Batman to my Robin – the University and CSM are in good hands.
With gratitude,
Robin