You Can Never Be Too Rich, Too Thin or Have Too Many Associate Provosts
You Can Never Be Too Rich, Too Thin or Have Too Many Associate Provosts
At UMass Boston, the number of Associate Provosts grow exponentially, and we pay tribute to an Associate Provost who left us for greener pastures.
Q. How many associate provosts does one provost need?
A: If you ask our illustrious Provost Borg, the answer is “Never enough”.
Our provost needs all the help he can get, as indicated by his ever growing fleet of associate, vice and assistant provosts. He can’t do it alone, you see, being busy with all the fights with faculty, racial blunders and legal issues that are befalling him non-stop due to UMass Boston’s ungrateful faculty who fail to accept his brilliant leadership that transcends simple mortal notions of law, moral and logic.
Unfortunately, his cabinet has recently suffered a great loss. Former Associate Provost, Anna Savant, departed over a year ago, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts and in the provost’s office task force. So much so, that not one but two associate provosts, Andrew Perumal and Rosanna DeMarco, were appointed to fill her big shoes. Alas, even they turned out not to be enough, and two more associate provosts are going to join soon, per an email from the Provost’s office on August 21.
One could surmise that the number of associate provosts grows as a geometric series, but it is blasphemy because math is racist. Instead, let us take this moment and commemorate Anna Savant’s multiple achievements and try to explain why not one, not two, but (at least!) four associates are needed to replace her:
Anna Savant introduced us to the indigenous notion of ass intelligence, creating a course that inculcated our students and instructors with the indisputable facts that several body parts, other than the brain, indeed possess the ability to think, and their intelligence is no less important than the Western racist notion of IQ, if not more.
Anna Savant, in collaboration with former Vice Provost for reverse reasoning and LatinX PraXis Linda Scandalera (who, sadly, has also departed), helped maintain equity by making sure everyone can cheat in the unproctored math placement test equally.
She chaired the glorious Grand Scholarly Challenges committee that helped our Leaders decide for us where we all must focus time, energy and research resources (academic freedom? What is it?). Due to her fierce leadership and uncompromising commitment to alternative ways of knowing, the only grand scholarly challenges the administration approves are: Climate Equity and Urban Coastal Areas; Bridging Divides in Health Equity – Cells to Societies; Education for the Future; and Advancing a Just Society – Local and Global Dimensions. Anna Savant made sure no blasphemous scientific or quantitative research was ever to be supported or acknowledged by our Leaders. We decolonize rigor, y’all!
Shortly before her departure, Anna Savant gave us in the sciences a unique gift in the form of a million dollar grant. She is a Chemistry professor, after all, and she felt the need to take care of her own. The grant’s goal is to further advance UMass Boston’s gender and racial equity among the university’s STEM faculty. If you think the way to do it is to try to attract talented researchers from a broad range of institutions, you are a sexist, racist bigot. Instead, the grant establishes that “caring work (defined broadly as the social and emotional support faculty provide to students and colleagues), service, and community-engaged research” is as important for tenure and promotion as scientific discovery. Why set the bar high when we can set it low?
With such an impressive track record, no wonder we need more and more associate provosts. We wish the two new incoming associates, Amy Cook and Susan Gauss, good luck, and raise a glass of Mexican beer in their honor. Keep up the good work, ladies. The floor is the limit.