UMass Boston Announces a New Wellness Commission

Because we are never sick and tired of making you sick and tired

These are not good days for university administrators. The world finally sees the ugly truth behind the pretty “diversity and inclusion” façade that crumbled following the October 7 massacre.

Our leaders have been trying to do what university leaders do best - i.e., find the right balance. On one hand, they need to cover their derrières by saying nothing at all for as long as possible, lest they end up like their fallen sisters from UPenn and Harvard. On the other hand, they have to do something, anything, to distract their constituents from the growing frustration at their failing leadership, their inability to get anything done on time, and the fact that even incoming students see right through their incompetence. It’s hard not to when they can’t even make our website work. Couple this with the overall disengagement and burnout engulfing our academic institutions these days, and you got a recipe for disaster.

“How do we solve it?” thought our Leaders, “we need to find a distraction, quick!” And soon enough, they came up with a brilliant idea that always works: Create more useless work for the faculty and staff to take their minds off from how miserable and overworked they are! Enter the “wellness commission”.

In their community-wide email, our leaders said the commission…

will be charged with recommending how the university can improve our health and wellness efforts. The committees listed below will assess current university wellness activities, gather stakeholder input, conduct an analysis of strengths and opportunities, and develop recommendations for improvement. The committees will develop initial recommendations by the end of the Spring 2024 semester.

Are we talking about fixing the crumbling buildings and infrastructure that has made many people sick or worse over the years? nah, forget it. Nah, probably not. Our Leaders can’t even build a quad in 3.5 years. Besides, they need the money to hire more associate vice provosts and assistants to the associate vice chancellors. After all, UMass Boston has long been the refuge for government officials who need a cushy job.

But there are other things that can be done: Dear commission members, let me save you the effort. In order to improve our health and wellness, How about the following?

• Roll back all politicized DEI efforts and focus on diversity and inclusion of different backgrounds, thoughts and ideas as if we were, you know, a real university.

• Make the SAT mandatory again. Even the New York Times says so.

• If we want to at least pretend to be a serious university, bring back the faculty dining club. We love our students, but we love eating in peace and quiet even more.

• Most importantly: Replace our Leaders with ChatGPT. We already showed again and again that the latter could do a much better job, and we’ll all be better for it.

Here. Was it so difficult? Do this and we promise you we will be happier and healthier.