No More Gifts From the Chancellor For Your Years of Service

Instead, you will have to give him a gift for the honor and privilege of serving under his glorious reign.

Ah, the good old days, when universities focused on researching and educating instead of "decolonizing" and "indoctrinating." Back then, UMass Boston had this quaint little tradition called “The Chancellor’s Years of Service.” It was an annual gathering where faculty and staff were celebrated for hitting big career milestones: 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, and even 50 years of service.

The event featured a grandiose speech by the Chancellor, who would gush about how indispensable we all were. Sure, everyone knew it was a verbal pat on the head wrapped in Chancellor fluff, but we played along for the warm, fuzzy camaraderie, some semi-decent catering, and, of course, the gifts. Ten years of dedication? Boom! You’re the proud owner of a sturdy-ish blue and white umbrella to fight New England’s wrathful weather. Fifty years? Oh, you’re in for a treat: The world! Yes, an actual globe. Perfect for gifting your grandkids or as a conversation starter at the nursing home.

But that was then, when dinosaurs still walked the earth and people still read paper books.

The other day, while wandering around campus, the question - “Hey, what the hell happened to the Chancellor’s Years of Service?” popped into our heads. Maybe it was the sight of a battered blue-and-white umbrella? Or perhaps an engraved pen lingering on our office assistant’s desk? Who knows? The human brain, or whatever passes for it in academia, works in mysterious ways.

Wait, when was the last one of those shindigs? A quick Google search delivered the answer: December 2020. Held remotely, of course - peak pandemic vibes. And since then? Crickets. The tradition, like the dining club, shared governance, and any remaining shred of academic credibility, has vanished into the ether.

In hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Our Chancellor of color, the emperor of all things, the Great Slayer of Science, The Stomper of Shared Governance, Him who Reason Fears, the Genius of All Things Anti-Racist-and-Health-Promoting and The One Who Ended Merit, has transcended such trivialities. Why celebrate the peasantry when you can bask in your own glory? After all, he’s the Emperor of the Sun, Father of Nations, Heavenly Sovereign, and the one and only Supreme Leader and Absolute Ruler of UMass Boston.

When we reached out to the Chancellor's office for comment, his team assured us that the Years of Service ceremony would soon be revived. But - and here’s the twist: this time, we’ll be the ones bringing gifts to show our gratitude for the honor of serving under his glorious reign. And, apparently, we shouldn't even think about bringing him umbrellas or pens. No, no. There’s now a $250 minimum for every year of service.

Looks like we’ll just have to buy our own umbrellas, pens, and globes. Maybe we’ll engrave them with “In Memoriam: Institutional Traditions.”

Accountability? Pfft. That’s for mere mortals. Recognition for our years of service? Pffft. That’s for leaders who still pretend to care.