Until There's Smoke of Color
UMass Boston's Chancellor of Color sets up to be the next Pope
This post is satirical.
We were all saddened by the news of Pope Francis’ recent passing, but no one was sadder than his BFF, UMass Boston’s Chancellor of Color (CoC). After all, the two were thick as thieves (no pun intended).
But grief soon gave way to ambition. A new idea formed in our CoC’s head: What better way is there to honor his deceased friend than to replace him? He immediately summoned his trusty sidekick, our illustrious Provost Borg. Together, they concocted the perfect plan: Borg will infiltrate the papal conclave and secure the CoC’s election as the next Pope.
Some problems needed to be addressed:
Borg would need some training to pass as a cardinal. Luckily, he had the most needed qualifications for the task at hand: years of manipulating recruitment committees (see the Dean of CLA search process) and proven talent in ignoring expert advice (see the ALEKS math placement test). Resistance is futile.
The CoC is not a clergyman, but neither was Pope Francis when he started. Besides, given that both he and the former pope are Argentinians of color, the chances are no one will notice the difference. Also, according to the DEI Prime Directive, identity trumps qualifications.
Worse yet, he is married! However, his Swiss wife can join the Papal Swiss guard. She has experience in being the spousal hire, after all. And if you can’t trust your wife to protect you, who can you trust?
Borg will have to spend time in the conclave, having no contact with the outside world, until
whitebrown smoke emerges (white is racist). However, since the Borg never interacts with anyone or does anything of consequence even when he’s on campus, no one will notice.
The ingenious plan was airtight. All was ready to go. Borg had already booked his flight tickets and placed the order on the Cardinal robes he found on eBay. But then things took a turn for the worse! Borg suddenly turned to the Chancellor, his face inscrutable, and said:
“Your Highness, you know that you are about to join a Judeo-Christian institute that promotes hetero-white-patriarchal-cisnormative values, right?”
The Chancellor immediately withdrew his candidacy.
But Provost Borg still flew to Rome. Why waste perfectly good eBay Cardinal robes and a ticket to Italy on the house?
Can you guess what happened next? Hint: the newly elected Pope is an American man named... Prevost.
