Under Pressure, UMass Boston Provost Makes Daring Move on DEI
DEI - out. DEIZNUTS - in.
A guest post by Peter
Despite his spine of steel, this might not be heroic as you think
Surprised that the President of the United States had even figured out what UMass Boston was - he must have gotten it confused with UMass Amherst -Provost Borg convened his hive of Associate Vice Provosts and Vice Associate Chancellors for a tense meeting.
"Ever since I became hell-bent on undermining science and math," the Provost said, "I forgot that those are the only things that Elon actually thinks are valuable. Not only that, but my mission is clearly centered around performative genuinely attempted DEI, the very thing that Elon and Trump want to get rid of!"
Everyone else in the room looked at each other nervously as the Provost droned on:
"Therefore, we need to do everything we can to...um...hide that we are doing DEI in a way that will throw them off our trail."
He moved to the other side of the room, where there was a rolling whiteboard covered with an elaborate cloth, and dramatically pulled the cloth back to reveal a new slogan: DEIZNUTS. Next to each letter was what the word meant: Diversity, Equality, Individuality, Zen, Neutrality, Understanding, Tranquility, and Socialism.
"From now on, if anyone in the Federal government asks, we are not doing DEI - we are doing DEIZNUTS." Quickly, to try and quell the palpable tension mounting in the room, Locutus the Provost added, "It's genius, and I am confident that DEIZNUTS are something that Elon and Trump would love to put in their mouth."
As the high rollers in the room looked on in horror, they were introduced to the meaning of each part of DEIZNUTS:
Diversity: "We need to keep this one as-is to throw them off our scent," they were told, "after all, my office is incredibly diverse....right?"
Equality: "It's basically just the same thing with different words, plus everyone knows that I just throw around 'equity' so people will forget that I'm complicit in students placing into the wrong math class."
Individuality: "This one is just to hide up inclusion, since we value everyone, especially the
science and math folkspeople calling out the brutal genocide in Gaza."Zen: "Because I needed to show that I was smart enough to creatively use Z in this acronym."
Neutrality: "Because we need to seem like we treat all of our colleges and colleagues on an equal footing, which my notes indicate is 100% true 62% of the time."
Understanding: "We can't be successful unless we understand everyone's needs, which is why I believe in sharing governance with
the people who keep the school runningyou all."Tranquility: "Because our offices need to be calm and quiet as we hide from the reality of the school that's crumbling around us."
Socialism: "That's a value that is totally okay in moderation, and I figured that Elon and Trump won't have the attention span to make it this far."
As he turned around to face the rest of the room, the Provost was horrified to find himself staring only at a stack of resignation letters strewn about the table in front of him.
"Well," the Provost said, "I guess they just couldn't juggle DEIZNUTS!"
It probably didn't help that he'd forgotten to put his pants on.