UMass Boston's Supreme Leaders Announce Three Days of Mourning

Following the devastating election results

Dear UMass Boston community, 

We, your Supreme Leaders, are sure that all of you, just like us, are shocked and dismayed by the great disaster that befell our country. Our democracy is dead. Our freedom of choice is gone. Dictatorship is imminent. Dictatorship is awful. Therefore, we dictate the following mandatory measures:

We hereby declare campus-wide obligatory three days of mourning. Classes will be cancelled. Everyone who needs a mental health break shall be able to take up to seven days for free. The Chancellor’s golden statue will be covered in black. Only stale bread and tepid water will be available at the cafeterias. Oh wait, that's what we serve every day. Nevermind. But we digress. 

After classes resume, instructors shall start their classes with a moment of silence and will dedicate the first 15 minutes of every class to discuss the disastrous repercussions of the election. 

Cry rooms will be made available for anyone who needs it. 

Most importantly, spontaneous outbursts of grief will take place three times every day, North Korea style. Participation is mandatory.

Sincerely, and with bowed heads, 

Your trusty Supreme Leaders. 

P.S. you may have noticed that in the beginning of the letter we said that ALL of us are shocked and saddened by the loss. We mean it literally because We are certain our campus does not have any abominable Trump voters or undecideds. But we can never be too careful, and therefore we will conduct mandatory polygraph checks on all of our employees to purge our campus of the evil spirits. We will target any or all of the following:

• Any sneaky Trump voters who somehow made it through the last three DEI-intensive years. 

• Anyone who didn’t vote for Trump but did not express utter shock, grief and anger.

• LatinX/Latine who insist on being called by the outdated, gender binary term Latino/a. All 97% of you.

• Blacks who don't know what's good for them and oppose lowering the academic standards and abolishing the police. Take it from me, a white savior of color: I know what’s good for you.

• Everyone who voted no on question 2. The MCAS is racist. And you lost. Ha! Double whammy.

• Evil Zionists. 

• The entire College of Science and Math.

• Everyone who doesn't think social justice, equity, inclusive excellence and intersecting identities are the bane of our collective existence and the core mission of higher education at large. 

We have only one thing to say to all of you: 

YOU'RE FIRED!

And to all the rest of us: Together, we at the College of Education and the Grievance Studies will carry on the righteous path to collective liberation and social justice!