Boston Public Schools Demand Ethnic Studies Now!

You can be part of it! A bright future is ahead of you!

You! Yes, you, the one in the back! I’m talking to you. Worried about your future? Not sure what to do with your major in Gender studies and a minor in Critical and Ethnic Studies? Understandably, as it was once thought of as a precursor to lifetime employment as a server at Applebee’s, at best. These days, of course, you can become a university DEI officer. It’s a very lucrative market after all. But if you really want to make a difference in the lives of young, impressionable children here in the city of Boston, you can choose a pathway to an important and influential career in the Boston Public School system’s growing Ethnic Studies industry.

You see? The Boston Public School (BPS) system is very diverse and has a huge performance gap, with most Black and LatinX students performing below grade level. We’re here to fix the problem once and for all. “How?”, you ask. Well, we already revised the exam school acceptance criteria to prevent the gifted students of all races from thinking too highly of themselves. We could, hypothetically, try to improve our math and science education and try to close the gap, but it’s sooo much work. And also, if we improve, our lazy kids will stand no chance in getting accepted to college based on merit - they’ll have to compete not only with the smart and well-prepared Asian kids but also with the smart and well-prepared Black and LatinX kids.

Nope. Not going to happen: Instead, we came up with a brilliant idea! Fill up the curriculum and the students’ heads with Ethnic studies¹! Luckily, our very own faculty here at UMass Boston’s CANALA institutes have prepared a multitude of Ethnic studies modules about a multitude of subjects: Racism and White Supremacy, Intersectionality, Oppression/Resistance, Focus on Identity, Praxis, and all other facets of the Critical Race Theory… oops, sorry, true American history. We don’t teach CRT in schools. But it’s full of goodies.

Your character and skills are EXACTLY what we at the BPS Ethnic Studies Division are looking for: you’re a decent writer (although you never had an original thought or idea in your life); you can convincingly parrot everything you learned about systems of oppression, intersectional identities and collective liberation; you’re quick to pick on people’s insecurities and weaknesses; and years of listening to your elementary school teacher mother helped you hone that slow, patronizing, measured tone that is an absolute must for success in the field.

Why do you want it, you ask? Other than the fact that we have no acceptance criteria or standards whatsoever? The salaries are admittedly not as high as in the academic DEI world, but let’s see: A chance to recruit good little activists straight out of our city’s failing public schools? Check. Ample employment opportunity? Check. Infinite power to bully teachers, students and staff into blind obedience lest you single-handedly ruin their lives and livelihood? Double check!

Here is what our professors and students have to say:

I am excited to educate the next generation of ethnic studies commissars… sorry, educators and administrators on all the problematized ways that marginalized, minoritized and racialized people sufferize from the oppressionization of their intersectionalized identitization. Together we will collectively build towards our (de)colonization and collective liberation, and work to abolish ALL the systems of oppression, including the school system. What will become of the DEI industry after the system is abolished? No worries. We will always find a way to (de)colonize, problematize and monetize you.

(Prof. Mulva Taylor (she/her), inaugural chair of the School Grievance program).

I want to be a Ethnic studies expert because it is so important to, like, constantly check our privileges and like be anti-racist because we all uphold white supremacy so we have to, like, reflect, EDUCATE OURSELVES, constantly DO THE ANTI-RACISM WORK and, like, HOLD OURSELVES accountable for the harm and trauma we cause. Also because capitalism is, like, evil but it’s good money.

(Kate Turingfail (she/her), freshmen in Critical Whiteness Studies)

Inequities and systemic oppression have long permeated every aspect of our society. We have to be cognizant of the inherent WHITENESS that defines higher education writ large. We here at UMass Boston choose, we CHOOSE to reject systemic oppression in all of its forms. We ALL have a unique passion to foster a culture of social justice, equity and inclusion in our campus. We must be inclusive in our collective mission. If you resist, you will be fired.

(UMass Boston's Vice Supreme Leader)².

I’m finally getting laid!

(Josh Pinkhurt, sophomore, switched from Engineering to Gender Studies).

1. The Placebo Of Affirmative Action, by Andrew Sullivan: The Weekly Dish, Oct 14, 2022.

2. He (sort of) really said all but the last sentence in his Fall 2021 convocation speech. The speech is lifted from the CEHD’s mission, where he was Dean before assuming his current position.