(De)colonize STEM @ UMB

Purge science of all foul practices... and wrongthinkers.

The (de)colonize STEM task force, led by the newly appointed Associate Vice Provost for (de)colonial studies, dragged the CSM faculty and students out of their offices and research labs and gathered them in the lobby of the ISC, renamed the Trofim Lysenko building. The task force announced their plan to (de)colonize STEM by doing what (de)colonizers have been doing since the dawn of mankind – purging it of its foul, primitive indigenous practices such as the scientific method, timeliness, reason and logic which they deemed white male ways of thinking, and replacing them with new and modern (de)colonizers’ ways of knowing such as inclusive excellence, restorative justice and mandatory Judith Butler discussion groups.  

The new (de)colonizers announced that every syllabus will be inspected and expected to include a Diversity, Inclusion and Equity (DIE) statement; every classroom and lab meeting must start with a privilege walk and a preferred pronouns roundup, and end with a reflection of one’s privileges; every course must include at least one module on how to dismantle logic and reason; the hierarchical practice of grading should be cancelled or at least done on a sliding scale of race and gender; the white male concept of “a correct answer” should be abolished; no student should be punished for tardiness or academic dishonesty. Violators will be disciplined.

When asked if there were any questions or comments, Physics doctoral student Sandra Chen said she didn’t think the scientific method and logic were white male practices. Several faculty members mumbled incoherently about academic freedom and letting them do their job. All infidels were immediately sent to re-education camps, never to be heard from again.