Special: UMass Boston's SJP Seeks 72 Volunteers to Become Virgins for Nasrallah

A special day of solidarity and action is declared on campus, in conjunctions with Queers for Palestine

This is a satirical post.

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Statement from UMass Boston’s chapter of students for Justice in Palestine (UMB-SJP), for immediate release:

We, UMB-SJP, join our friends and comrades across the country and the world in commemorating Secretary General Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah’s martyrdom on Friday at the hands of the evil Zionist regime.

His eminence, master of the resistance, the righteous servant, has passed away as a great martyr, leader, hero, wise and faithful.

We extend our congratulations to his eminence, Sayyed Nasrallah, as he received the highest divine awards, award of Imam Hussein, fulfilling his most precious wishes and the highest levels of faith and pure belief, a Martyr All the Way to Al-Quds and Palestine. May he find eternal joy with his 72 vir…

Oh wait. There is a problem. Due to the high influx of martyrs in recent weeks, and due to the high ratio of 72 virgins per martyr, our martyrs have been experiencing a shortage of virgins. We cannot let the #1 Martyr, the Martyrest martyr of them all, his eminence Nasrallah, to go virginless, right?

To show our solidarity and remedy the situation, we will gather for a solidarity rally at UMass Boston campus center lawn on Monday afternoon.

We will be partnering with our local Queers for Palestine branch, temporarily renamed “Virgins for Hezbollah”.

We will be taking up applications from our blue and purple haired members to serve as virgins for his eminence Nasrallah. It is time to put our money where our mouths are, so to speak. Due to the severity of the situation, Virginity is not needed. Everyone of all genders and their goats are welcome to apply.