Congratulations, Class of 2022!

You are our heroes. But 800 of of your colleagues were not that lucky. The deaths of the SATs and proctored ALEKSs are to blame.

Congratulations, Class of 2022, each and every 2,815 of you! Having navigated through the delirium of the “diverse forms of knowledge production”, having unlocked the charades of multiple intelligences, in spite of the morass of the “expansive notions of excellence”, past the fresh graves of the SATs, proctored ALEKS tests, and other “racist and bigoted” means of testing and placement¹², you were able to conquer all the finals. You are our heroes!

But about 800 of your colleagues were not that lucky. They paid the full tuition, for at least a year, and got nothing in return. If the SAT exams had lived, they could have chosen another college or a different major. Had the proctored ALEKS survived, they would have enjoyed a slower pace of math learning. Never forget your lost sisters and brothers, and the booty their parents gave to Captain Kidd (a legitimate pirate on a payroll by the way) our ultra-progressive, anti-capitalist University of Massachusetts Boston. Never!

Yet another 1,000 or so of your colleagues transferred elsewhere, and did or did not graduate in the end.

But hey, the non-completers: you still had “something unique to give [to UMB] – a skill, a socio-emotional sensibility, or knowledge that cracks the code on the issues of the day and thus serves us all.”  The question is what our university gave to you in return.

1. The regular grades will soon be gone as well.

2. The question of which brahmins will be deciding whom to admit and whom to graduate is out in the open.