Claudine Gay's Commencement Speech: UMass Boston, class of 2024

"Decolonize Integrity," and you'll become the Chair of UMass Boston Discipline and Grievance Committee

Dear class of 2024,

Almost two years have passed since I came down here at your Chancellor's kind invitation as a guest lecturer for the CIT Decolonizing Forum ‘Decolonize Integrity.’ As we all know, academic integrity is only for the masses. However, to be on the safe side, I will cite everything from now on.

The seventeen months that have passed have seen very terrible catastrophic events pertaining to my career - ups and downs, misfortunes… but can anyone sitting here this lovely May afternoon not feel deeply thankful for what has happened to our academic institutions under my watch?¹

But don’t you worry, I promise you - you’re also probably doing something right now that you will look back on later and find revolting²³. It will pass, especially if you have a cushy job with a $900,000 salary waiting for you.

It also helps if you have someone to blame for your misgivings, like the right wing or your immutable characteristics.

---

Enough about me. Luckily for you, UMass Boston is just a state university, and your DEI regime, relentless as it is, has been operating largely under the radar. Therefore, UMass Boston is the ideal venue to help me to continue upholding my legacy behind the scenes: as of today, I am your new Chair of UMass Boston’s Discipline and Grievance Committee. My new cushy position leaves me a lot of free time. (I don’t publish much, and even that is not quite my own.) And such leisure, and the sleep of conscience, will produce a monstrous amount of work done⁴.

So today, I came to you to propose the Claudine Gay's doctrine:

• Plagiarizm “sloppiness” will be met with restorative justice and soft bigotry of low expectations.

• Bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master’s degrees. Master’s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs⁵, all following the intersectional identity hyper-matrix.

• This one’s going to light a fire under your racist asses⁶: Mention “merit,” “integrity,” “competence,” or “rigor,” and you will be disciplined with fire and brimstone.

• Rest assured, “From the River to the Sea” teach-ins or calls for Intifada will be still treated depending on the context.

That’s all folks⁷!

1. “Almost a year has passed since I came down here at your Head Master's kind invitation in order to cheer myself and cheer the hearts of a few of my friends by singing some of our own songs.”

“The ten months that have passed have seen very terrible catastrophic events in the world—ups and downs, misfortunes— but can anyone sitting here this afternoon, this October afternoon, not feel deeply thankful for what has happened in the time that has passed and for the very great improvement in the position of our country and of our home?” Winston Churchill’s commencement speech, Harrow School, 1941

2. “I promise you, you’re probably doing or wearing something right now that you will look back on later and find revolting and hilarious.” Taylor Swift’s NYU Commencement Speech, 2022.

3. Claudine Gay is probably alluding to her prosecuting African-American Harvard professors [“Claudine Gay Made a Career of Attacking Black Scholars. Don't Defend Her for Being Black” by Winkfield Twyman Jr, Newsweek, Dec 27, 2023.] Or for asserting that calls for genocide of Jews do not necessarily contradict Harvard traditions. Or, maybe, she had a wrong brand of tea that morning… But it definitely wasn’t plagiarism, the bedrock of her Harvard professorship.

4. The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters (El sueño de la razón produce monstruos), Francisco Goya.

5. “Under ‘The Conan Doctrine’: All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master’s degrees. All master’s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs.” Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address.

6. “[Y]ou’ve lit a fire under all of us, to move America forward using our ideas and our creativity.” Michael Crow – President of Arizona State University, introducing Barack Obama at ASU 2012 Commencement Speech.

7. Loony tunes