Does Not Compute

Logical fallacy upends anti-racism training and requires extra effort from faculty

The mandatory anti-racism training, segregated by racial affinity groups and hosted by the owner of a successful private anti-racism consulting company who kept talking about how bad capitalism is, went smoothly until the host claimed with great confidence that there is no such a thing as absolute truth. 

“Since objectivity is a sign of whiteness, is the statement ‘there is no absolute truth’ in itself an absolute truth or not?” asked Prof. Mike Sense, a logician by training. 

A deafening silence followed. The trainer’s eyes rolled several times and she mumbled “does not compute” and “core dumped” before her head exploded and its meager content spilled all over the lecture hall floor. 

The heretic Prof. Sense was immediately grabbed by the onsite representatives of the Society for Tracking Anti-Social Infidels (STASI), in collaboration with the Knights for Grievance and Bullshit (KGB), and was sent to a re-education camp, never to be heard from again.

However, a serious problem remained: The university had recently hired eleven (11) new Associate Vice Provosts and as a result it went into a serious financial crisis. Austerity was declared, accompanied by a complete hiring freeze (during which three more Assistant Vice Chancellors were hired), and all the janitors and cleaning staff were laid off. Left with no choice, the participating faculty and staff had to scrub the floor and clean the mess.